Sunday, April 21, 2013
New Life
So a week ago today I went to the emergency room. I knew something wasn't right but couldn't figure it out. Turns out I was throwing up blood and had become very anemic. In perspective your hemoglobin count should be like 12 mine was 5.5 I was in really bad shape, without even knowing it. I had a blood transfusion 4 bags to be exact left the hospital with a count of 9.5! We are still trying to figure out what it wrong but the short of all of this is I would love to thank the 4 people who gave blood to save my life! And to all people who give blood I never imagined I would need it thanks to everyone
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Tears
For me this is an interesting topic. I am not a person who cries I don't like it I don't to it often. Friends and Family have seen in it but on rare occasions.
As I get older I do cry more often (or maybe I am finally okay with emotion) I find myself crying at silly things like "Undercover Boss". Those are tears of enlightenment that there are people out there who still do good things. Then I have tears of anger I am so mad I cant scream I just cry, which brings me to tears of sadness, which are the tears I use least (Anger brings on more then sadness). These are the tears I dislike the most I don't like to use them I don't show them often. If they are going to happen it will be in private (like in the shower, or at night by myself) Then there are these tears I cant even describe they just show up and sneak up on you! In the middle of a simple phone call watching a TV show At work while you are alone in the store. Nothing is wrong no explanation they just show up not really a cry but eyes well up and there are tears. Me not being a person comfortable with any tear... I don't understand these and I don't like them If I am going to cry or tear up I need a reason. So here is a quick favor to these tears.. " Dear unexplainable tears please calm down you make me uncomfortable talk to sad, angry, enjoyment and enlightenment. I need a reason for you can, we do something about this?"
As I get older I do cry more often (or maybe I am finally okay with emotion) I find myself crying at silly things like "Undercover Boss". Those are tears of enlightenment that there are people out there who still do good things. Then I have tears of anger I am so mad I cant scream I just cry, which brings me to tears of sadness, which are the tears I use least (Anger brings on more then sadness). These are the tears I dislike the most I don't like to use them I don't show them often. If they are going to happen it will be in private (like in the shower, or at night by myself) Then there are these tears I cant even describe they just show up and sneak up on you! In the middle of a simple phone call watching a TV show At work while you are alone in the store. Nothing is wrong no explanation they just show up not really a cry but eyes well up and there are tears. Me not being a person comfortable with any tear... I don't understand these and I don't like them If I am going to cry or tear up I need a reason. So here is a quick favor to these tears.. " Dear unexplainable tears please calm down you make me uncomfortable talk to sad, angry, enjoyment and enlightenment. I need a reason for you can, we do something about this?"
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Favorite Hours
I want to start with: I don't feel this way tonight actually very happy with life but it did make me think of past feelings.
Its Funny how I love setting alone in the middle of the night. Sometimes watching a TV Show I dvrd that no one would watch with me as a guilty pleasure. Or watching a drama I missed because of work with a glass of wine. Or even better staying up till the sun comes creating a painting that no one will see but a few as it stays in my own private "Kaci time" room. All great things I love the middle of the night while he is asleep the house is quiet and peaceful the pups on each side of me asleep because even though they are sleeping they still have to protect me. But then there are those nights when its unfulfilled I have no one to touch while we watch TV together or talk to while sharing a glass of wine with. Or having a night to chat with someone on line because who in their right mind is up that time!. So it brings me to a question I don't have an answer for.
"Why is one of my all time favorite times....also, at times one of my loneliest"
Its Funny how I love setting alone in the middle of the night. Sometimes watching a TV Show I dvrd that no one would watch with me as a guilty pleasure. Or watching a drama I missed because of work with a glass of wine. Or even better staying up till the sun comes creating a painting that no one will see but a few as it stays in my own private "Kaci time" room. All great things I love the middle of the night while he is asleep the house is quiet and peaceful the pups on each side of me asleep because even though they are sleeping they still have to protect me. But then there are those nights when its unfulfilled I have no one to touch while we watch TV together or talk to while sharing a glass of wine with. Or having a night to chat with someone on line because who in their right mind is up that time!. So it brings me to a question I don't have an answer for.
"Why is one of my all time favorite times....also, at times one of my loneliest"
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Strange Sense of Peace
To start off I have to say I I have written and rewritten, deleted and started over on this just to try to word everything the way I feel. I have changed the name and the the way I start. So here goes...
In the last month I have found out more about myself then I ever really knew. In the last year I have found out more as well but all came to a head when I met a person (a total stranger, who I yet to see again) who put me at peace and helped me on such a deep personal level.
I have gone thru life and relationships thinking I was always the problem and I just was never quiet good enough. I met a person who filled me in on information about a couple where the girl left the guy due to physical and emotional abuse. And, the town and people questioned her due to the fact that he put on a perfect picture. When hearing this story I found that I was directly related to the situation. And for the first time in I would say 7 years I found out that it wasn't my fault!! I have always just assumed that I was the problem but to hear that it happened after me, as much as I feel bad that someone else had to go thru that pain...I am dementedly happy.
I sat down and talked to my husband about this and found out the I have still even being married had a wall because of that fear of not being good enough. He helped me to understand that I was and am a good companion. Some people just don't treat or let the other one know. So without getting to emotional and detailed. I want to say thank you to this stranger I met who will never know the peace that they gave me. I also want to say thank you and I love you to my husband who always knew what the problem was and loved me even with my mistakes and the fact that I fought and never understood that "Damn It I am Good Enough"
It is so refreshing to be at peace and to finally understand why I feel and did some of the things I did!!
In the last month I have found out more about myself then I ever really knew. In the last year I have found out more as well but all came to a head when I met a person (a total stranger, who I yet to see again) who put me at peace and helped me on such a deep personal level.
I have gone thru life and relationships thinking I was always the problem and I just was never quiet good enough. I met a person who filled me in on information about a couple where the girl left the guy due to physical and emotional abuse. And, the town and people questioned her due to the fact that he put on a perfect picture. When hearing this story I found that I was directly related to the situation. And for the first time in I would say 7 years I found out that it wasn't my fault!! I have always just assumed that I was the problem but to hear that it happened after me, as much as I feel bad that someone else had to go thru that pain...I am dementedly happy.
I sat down and talked to my husband about this and found out the I have still even being married had a wall because of that fear of not being good enough. He helped me to understand that I was and am a good companion. Some people just don't treat or let the other one know. So without getting to emotional and detailed. I want to say thank you to this stranger I met who will never know the peace that they gave me. I also want to say thank you and I love you to my husband who always knew what the problem was and loved me even with my mistakes and the fact that I fought and never understood that "Damn It I am Good Enough"
It is so refreshing to be at peace and to finally understand why I feel and did some of the things I did!!
Monday, February 9, 2009
Two Years and Counting
So two years ago yesterday, My father passed away. I keep thinking I am getting better and have dealt with the grief but my question is. Do you ever actually deal with the grief? For two years I have not really dealt, thought I had, have said I have, but honestly no not really.
My dad may not be as great as I think he was, He probably isn't as fantastic and knowledgeable as I give him credit for. Maybe he really was just a simple man whose daughter thinks he is one of the best men that ever lived in this world. So here are a few of the things that I think made him a great man.
1. He was funny!! This is a man that was a preacher! Not only a preacher a Church of Christ preacher! Yet, he still made jokes about Cece De ville and Michael Jackson! He was a flat out Smart Ass!! He had the timing to make it funny and not be mean about it, too. Which in my opinion that is an art form! (That even I have not mastered and I feel that I have a talent of being a smart ass but not near the talent and subtleties of my dad)
2. His knowledge of music was REMARKABLE! From the Eagles, ZZ Top, Santana, Jimmy Hendrix, Matchbox 20, and the soundtrack of Empire Records he could almost always tell you what song and year it came out was on the radio!
3. He believed that it was important for me and my sister to make our own decisions. Which is impressive to me because he never forced his beliefs on me.
4. He was a great card player! The way he played spades was even an example on how he was and understood people. (Thank you dad for teaching me to play spades!!)
5. He never really judged anyone. He worked with people in the prison system and up until the day he died he considered some prisoners good friends! Some would ask, "What kinda man would do that?" My dad would the same man you would make sure we would find this:
I have posted this before a couple of months after my dad passed away. But I feel it is time to post again.
In helping my mom clean her house and go thru his stuff we found a document he had typed up in November a time when we thought might be the end...It is very simple but profound...and its gives a little enlightenment into my dad. And this is what we found...
"Nov. 2 3:20a.m.
""If your reading this I guess it is because I am not there. I have lived a wonderful life and can't wait to see what God has in store for me. I am not eager to leave you, but this is what my whole life has been for and I guess it is time.
Tell my siblings thanks and I love them
Tell Kaci and Kari they were the joy of my life, the drives at night and to basketball games and now to see them married to men that I think are good for them. Tell Zaden to live for God and marry for love.
Darla, you have been my biggest pleasure, encouragement and motivation in life. Thanks for all you've done, but mostly thanks for all you helped me to become. I love you.
Karl"
So I know that I am not a blogger at all! (and as most my close friends know I am don't talk about things much @ all) But with the year I have had I realize I need to get things out of my head. So for me this is a way to do a little bit. And, hopefully in turn help people have a little insight into me, and just a little inspiration to make sure you have think about what you do and try to have a good impact in somebody else's life. So two years and counting it still hurts!
I hope I have made my father proud, I will always remember him and one I hope somebody will say the same about me.
R.I.P. Karl Wayne King Oct 21, 1956 - Feb 08, 2007
My dad may not be as great as I think he was, He probably isn't as fantastic and knowledgeable as I give him credit for. Maybe he really was just a simple man whose daughter thinks he is one of the best men that ever lived in this world. So here are a few of the things that I think made him a great man.
1. He was funny!! This is a man that was a preacher! Not only a preacher a Church of Christ preacher! Yet, he still made jokes about Cece De ville and Michael Jackson! He was a flat out Smart Ass!! He had the timing to make it funny and not be mean about it, too. Which in my opinion that is an art form! (That even I have not mastered and I feel that I have a talent of being a smart ass but not near the talent and subtleties of my dad)
2. His knowledge of music was REMARKABLE! From the Eagles, ZZ Top, Santana, Jimmy Hendrix, Matchbox 20, and the soundtrack of Empire Records he could almost always tell you what song and year it came out was on the radio!
3. He believed that it was important for me and my sister to make our own decisions. Which is impressive to me because he never forced his beliefs on me.
4. He was a great card player! The way he played spades was even an example on how he was and understood people. (Thank you dad for teaching me to play spades!!)
5. He never really judged anyone. He worked with people in the prison system and up until the day he died he considered some prisoners good friends! Some would ask, "What kinda man would do that?" My dad would the same man you would make sure we would find this:
I have posted this before a couple of months after my dad passed away. But I feel it is time to post again.
In helping my mom clean her house and go thru his stuff we found a document he had typed up in November a time when we thought might be the end...It is very simple but profound...and its gives a little enlightenment into my dad. And this is what we found...
"Nov. 2 3:20a.m.
""If your reading this I guess it is because I am not there. I have lived a wonderful life and can't wait to see what God has in store for me. I am not eager to leave you, but this is what my whole life has been for and I guess it is time.
Tell my siblings thanks and I love them
Tell Kaci and Kari they were the joy of my life, the drives at night and to basketball games and now to see them married to men that I think are good for them. Tell Zaden to live for God and marry for love.
Darla, you have been my biggest pleasure, encouragement and motivation in life. Thanks for all you've done, but mostly thanks for all you helped me to become. I love you.
Karl"
So I know that I am not a blogger at all! (and as most my close friends know I am don't talk about things much @ all) But with the year I have had I realize I need to get things out of my head. So for me this is a way to do a little bit. And, hopefully in turn help people have a little insight into me, and just a little inspiration to make sure you have think about what you do and try to have a good impact in somebody else's life. So two years and counting it still hurts!
I hope I have made my father proud, I will always remember him and one I hope somebody will say the same about me.
R.I.P. Karl Wayne King Oct 21, 1956 - Feb 08, 2007
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