To start off I have to say I I have written and rewritten, deleted and started over on this just to try to word everything the way I feel. I have changed the name and the the way I start. So here goes...
In the last month I have found out more about myself then I ever really knew. In the last year I have found out more as well but all came to a head when I met a person (a total stranger, who I yet to see again) who put me at peace and helped me on such a deep personal level.
I have gone thru life and relationships thinking I was always the problem and I just was never quiet good enough. I met a person who filled me in on information about a couple where the girl left the guy due to physical and emotional abuse. And, the town and people questioned her due to the fact that he put on a perfect picture. When hearing this story I found that I was directly related to the situation. And for the first time in I would say 7 years I found out that it wasn't my fault!! I have always just assumed that I was the problem but to hear that it happened after me, as much as I feel bad that someone else had to go thru that pain...I am dementedly happy.
I sat down and talked to my husband about this and found out the I have still even being married had a wall because of that fear of not being good enough. He helped me to understand that I was and am a good companion. Some people just don't treat or let the other one know. So without getting to emotional and detailed. I want to say thank you to this stranger I met who will never know the peace that they gave me. I also want to say thank you and I love you to my husband who always knew what the problem was and loved me even with my mistakes and the fact that I fought and never understood that "Damn It I am Good Enough"
It is so refreshing to be at peace and to finally understand why I feel and did some of the things I did!!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
Two Years and Counting
So two years ago yesterday, My father passed away. I keep thinking I am getting better and have dealt with the grief but my question is. Do you ever actually deal with the grief? For two years I have not really dealt, thought I had, have said I have, but honestly no not really.
My dad may not be as great as I think he was, He probably isn't as fantastic and knowledgeable as I give him credit for. Maybe he really was just a simple man whose daughter thinks he is one of the best men that ever lived in this world. So here are a few of the things that I think made him a great man.
1. He was funny!! This is a man that was a preacher! Not only a preacher a Church of Christ preacher! Yet, he still made jokes about Cece De ville and Michael Jackson! He was a flat out Smart Ass!! He had the timing to make it funny and not be mean about it, too. Which in my opinion that is an art form! (That even I have not mastered and I feel that I have a talent of being a smart ass but not near the talent and subtleties of my dad)
2. His knowledge of music was REMARKABLE! From the Eagles, ZZ Top, Santana, Jimmy Hendrix, Matchbox 20, and the soundtrack of Empire Records he could almost always tell you what song and year it came out was on the radio!
3. He believed that it was important for me and my sister to make our own decisions. Which is impressive to me because he never forced his beliefs on me.
4. He was a great card player! The way he played spades was even an example on how he was and understood people. (Thank you dad for teaching me to play spades!!)
5. He never really judged anyone. He worked with people in the prison system and up until the day he died he considered some prisoners good friends! Some would ask, "What kinda man would do that?" My dad would the same man you would make sure we would find this:
I have posted this before a couple of months after my dad passed away. But I feel it is time to post again.
In helping my mom clean her house and go thru his stuff we found a document he had typed up in November a time when we thought might be the end...It is very simple but profound...and its gives a little enlightenment into my dad. And this is what we found...
"Nov. 2 3:20a.m.
""If your reading this I guess it is because I am not there. I have lived a wonderful life and can't wait to see what God has in store for me. I am not eager to leave you, but this is what my whole life has been for and I guess it is time.
Tell my siblings thanks and I love them
Tell Kaci and Kari they were the joy of my life, the drives at night and to basketball games and now to see them married to men that I think are good for them. Tell Zaden to live for God and marry for love.
Darla, you have been my biggest pleasure, encouragement and motivation in life. Thanks for all you've done, but mostly thanks for all you helped me to become. I love you.
Karl"
So I know that I am not a blogger at all! (and as most my close friends know I am don't talk about things much @ all) But with the year I have had I realize I need to get things out of my head. So for me this is a way to do a little bit. And, hopefully in turn help people have a little insight into me, and just a little inspiration to make sure you have think about what you do and try to have a good impact in somebody else's life. So two years and counting it still hurts!
I hope I have made my father proud, I will always remember him and one I hope somebody will say the same about me.
R.I.P. Karl Wayne King Oct 21, 1956 - Feb 08, 2007
My dad may not be as great as I think he was, He probably isn't as fantastic and knowledgeable as I give him credit for. Maybe he really was just a simple man whose daughter thinks he is one of the best men that ever lived in this world. So here are a few of the things that I think made him a great man.
1. He was funny!! This is a man that was a preacher! Not only a preacher a Church of Christ preacher! Yet, he still made jokes about Cece De ville and Michael Jackson! He was a flat out Smart Ass!! He had the timing to make it funny and not be mean about it, too. Which in my opinion that is an art form! (That even I have not mastered and I feel that I have a talent of being a smart ass but not near the talent and subtleties of my dad)
2. His knowledge of music was REMARKABLE! From the Eagles, ZZ Top, Santana, Jimmy Hendrix, Matchbox 20, and the soundtrack of Empire Records he could almost always tell you what song and year it came out was on the radio!
3. He believed that it was important for me and my sister to make our own decisions. Which is impressive to me because he never forced his beliefs on me.
4. He was a great card player! The way he played spades was even an example on how he was and understood people. (Thank you dad for teaching me to play spades!!)
5. He never really judged anyone. He worked with people in the prison system and up until the day he died he considered some prisoners good friends! Some would ask, "What kinda man would do that?" My dad would the same man you would make sure we would find this:
I have posted this before a couple of months after my dad passed away. But I feel it is time to post again.
In helping my mom clean her house and go thru his stuff we found a document he had typed up in November a time when we thought might be the end...It is very simple but profound...and its gives a little enlightenment into my dad. And this is what we found...
"Nov. 2 3:20a.m.
""If your reading this I guess it is because I am not there. I have lived a wonderful life and can't wait to see what God has in store for me. I am not eager to leave you, but this is what my whole life has been for and I guess it is time.
Tell my siblings thanks and I love them
Tell Kaci and Kari they were the joy of my life, the drives at night and to basketball games and now to see them married to men that I think are good for them. Tell Zaden to live for God and marry for love.
Darla, you have been my biggest pleasure, encouragement and motivation in life. Thanks for all you've done, but mostly thanks for all you helped me to become. I love you.
Karl"
So I know that I am not a blogger at all! (and as most my close friends know I am don't talk about things much @ all) But with the year I have had I realize I need to get things out of my head. So for me this is a way to do a little bit. And, hopefully in turn help people have a little insight into me, and just a little inspiration to make sure you have think about what you do and try to have a good impact in somebody else's life. So two years and counting it still hurts!
I hope I have made my father proud, I will always remember him and one I hope somebody will say the same about me.
R.I.P. Karl Wayne King Oct 21, 1956 - Feb 08, 2007
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